Friday, August 17, 2012

Again, it drives me mad

i cant call it Galau, cuz i dont wanna seem galauers or mrs galau as people called me -_- (actually i dont know how can they called me mrs. galau -_- yesterday, when i was younger hummm when i was on 2nd grade shs (exactly) i honestly ever felt that way -_- but i dont wanna seem soooooo sad, painful and whatever! iyuck! i just loved a song then sometimes i put the lyric down my status and i posted it. but i dint just made 1 status per day, sometimes it's more hehe. maybe they saw the meaning of the lyric and they guess that i was sad! -_- helloooo i just love the lyric! man! LOL

well, now? i'm little bit confuse of what i'm thinkin about! COLLEGE~
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm .. *sigh* i never can to force anyone to has a same thought w/ me. everyone's mind is different, has a different sight, different argument whadafuq it is! same with my thought and others bout my colloge. fact, i dont wanna write it on my blog, i just wanna let my mind flow bout it in every branches on my brain, but i cant! the harder i think bout it by my self the deeper the confusion grows. and maybe if i write it or at least express it even to a lil thing such as blog, i'll get better *sigh*

yesterday, i didnt wanna take a campus on my hometown, i wanna feel different place to breathe, i wanna feel how to live all by my self, yeah the one and only reason why was i wanna feel how to live by my self and out of this town, and when i graduated i thought that that was my time to be.

i remembered when i was on 2nd grade my mum not let me to take my college on big city like bdg, jkt. hemmm. then when i was on 3rd grade my mum said that i could take my college wherever it was if i got the state university, so i made a big effort to get state university beside a regular way (snmptn) and i got it! i got islam university on bdg by interview test there. humm but i want really comfy there, i thought that my knowledge bout islam wasnt enough and i was unconfident if i took my college there , i was afraid all of those doubts would gave me up ._. sooooo, with all of my effort to get there, i let it go and didnt take it ._.

and not only that, i was failed on snmptn and as the last choice i gotta take my colleger here, here in my hometown ._. i'm confuse, i'm lil bit regret of what i've done, how can i let it go with all of my efforts? :( but the consideration i'm not regret at all too ._.

a few of my friends take a college with religion basic as mine, muhammadiah university, islam university etc. that what makes me think that "how can i give up on it when i havent started it at all yet?" then all of bad opinion of my campus is makin me down ._. whats wrong with it? i dont know what they think bout, even my dad's friend clearly said that "why you take your college there? is there no better?" humm :l

 i dont wanna blam my mum, but i know that she wants me to get my college here, HERE. and i just obey her, i dont wanna feel afraid and doubt if i force my self to get my college out of town. the consideration is my dad. my dad is getting old, and i with all of the payment per month will be sufferin my dad. when i was in bandung for a week, my dad was sick when i just arrived at home, and my mum said that my dad always ask bout me everyday, same wuestion even when he has noticed where i went and where i'd back just like dazed. i realized that "how it'd be if i i'm out of town for a long time". and, suprisingly, not took a long time after i was homed my father got better, and he said that it's all because of me. yeah, i'm one and only girl and las child on my family so i'm so spoiled by my father ._.

thats what made me undoubt too to get a colleger here :") BUT!
i know that i couldnt take a state university, i couldnt make a pride for my parents! thats my deepest regret of mine. i know it doesnt matter for my mum, but for my dad? is that okay? i feel like i kinda waste of time and money and everything hahhhhhhhh with all of bad opinion ofmy colleger now it drives me mad and i couldnt even put it on my words how deep means it its for me such aaaaaaaaaa desprate that always be comin out anywhere, anywhen when somebody ask me, tell me, or even look me down. yeah even when i seems like take it like a joke, i'm kidding, i'm laughing, i''m silent, but dont worry i put my your words on my brain-bank guys, even though maybe you'll never realize or forget what you just said to me bout it.

what the hell i am! i'm getting sensitive over it.
i'm done! :)













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